Every day is a struggle, do I get high or do I not get high? This entails everything I have ever worked for. Would you throw that away to spend a night with the devil? Ever since I got clean I have gotten back my friends and family, sanity and a few odd and end things. With all this on my plate, every morning I choose the large cup of coffee over a bag of cocaine for the last 2 years and 11 months. I almost threw away my clean time but by the grace of G-d I will have 3 years clean on February 11th. Why does G-d give us a choice to make? The answer is very simple, for every reason in the world you stay clean, but I have learned to believe the devil was the test. G-d created her to give us options. Do I make a left or do I make a right? I finally chose right! The only reason I ever got high was to self medicate, to heal my pain and sorrow, but most importantly my mental illness was what really was bothering me and drove me to the drugs. I know that if you choose right life’s miracles will come to you. I am not promising you the sun, the moon and stars but you will be free from your sickness a/k/a addiction, and all kinds of mental disorders that stem from the wrath of drugs. My drug of choice was ecstasy. I thought it was the closest feeling to heaven. But I was wrong! G-d did not make heaven in a pill form. It’s unfathomable today what I believe heaven is. It could be the ultimate relief of not getting high and experiencing happiness in life, whether it is the birds chirping on a nice day, piece of mind, or a sunny day on the beach. Materials things would include, the birth of a child, a wife, house and money. I made the right choice today; I believe so strongly that one day a higher power will pay me back, not necessarily in luxury but in serenity and peace. If you are struggling with schizophrenia like me, there is a better way of life. You can always count on your belief that this too shall pass but if you have a mental illness, it usually doesn’t without the proper help. My disorder took me to places you can only imagine, but the story is true. This is part of my story and my struggle, how about yours?
Lots of love,